PreviewSeptember 18, 2008
blotted aT 08:14 PM
A preview of my glorious and at the same time lousy self. Who wants a friend who always thinks about other friends anyway? This was written on my first year of suicide, just a few months shy of my sick letters and my silly good-for-nothing infatuation ( i dare not call it love) for Him.
In a week, there is not a day when I would not think of my past classmates. There would not be an instance when I would forget them. Every single thing I see, feel and hear; I liken it to them.
So, when I saw some of them taking photographs with their blockmates after they won the Buwan ng Wika chorale competition, I almost cried. It reminded me so much of high school. It reminded me of how we were. It reminded me of the closeness we shared. We were like Irish cream and coffee, tequila and lemons-always more satisfying when taken together than when taken separately.
It was so surreal. I was looking at them and their faces were glowing. I thought I had finally reached heaven. I thought I was finally seeing God. But a few seconds passed, I finally realized that I was actually in a twisted nightmare. What scared me the most was that it was all happening in reality. I was looking at Brebeuf, except it was not Brebeuf.
I felt so alone. I felt so left out. I felt like I was forgotten. I even felt like I was being betrayed.
In high school, after every performance we took photographs. We wanted to immortalize the moment, our moment. We wanted to have something to look back on. We wanted to tell our grandchildren, how great our high school lives were and have proof at the same time.
Taking our photograph was not as easy as counting to ten. Everything was so chaotic. Everyone clamored to be in front. People pushed and pulled at the same time.
But before everything else, we made sure we had the entire place to ourselves. We did this so that we could smile all we want and not have people laugh at us. The tedious process of cramming our fifty-two bodies in a minute space so that we could fit in one photograph would start. Our grins would reach our ears. Our shouts were so loud that you would think we were rallying to oust another president. And in most instances, we would be begging the photographer to shoot one more time. And we always get what we want.
Those were the good old days. The good old days, where you can laugh as hard as you want, talk as loud as you can and cram for projects as often as the sun rises. I miss the good old days. I wish I could go back and stay there forever.
But these past few weeks, I found myself enjoying the company of my blockmates too. I am starting to enjoy their unoriginal jokes, their sarcastic one-liners and their mocking comments. Every time I feel this, I think I have done the greatest sin of all. I feel that I have betrayed my classmates. I feel that I have become a traitor to them. I ask myself, am I starting to forget them? Is this what college is about-forgetting our past and moving on to find something new?
Thinking about philosophical questions is not really my thing. But after about an hour of intense thinking, I found my answer. It was nearly the third week of the month and maybe, just maybe, it was just PMS. Maybe I am just being my hormonally imbalanced self. Maybe a pint of Häagen-Dazs Macadamia Nut Ice Cream would melt all the melodrama I am feeling.
But then, as I said, Philosophy is just not my thing.
The days passed and still I felt guilty. The M in PMS had come and gone and yet I still felt so bad. I was actually feeling worse. So maybe it wasn’t just PMS and ice cream wasn’t the solution. I guess I just have to go back to the drawing board.
Then, the morning I finally decided to consult the experts about my problem, the heavens looked down on me. I met up with my friends. They were with their blockmates. They were all grinning like mad scientists. Apparently, one blockmate made a very funny comment about a teacher. And then all of a sudden, I heard angels sing, I realized I was a paranoid freak. My pessimism was getting way out of hand. Maybe its time that I look at the bright side of college, maybe it was time to finally acknowledge that college is not as dreadful as I make it out to be.
College may seem like forgetting your past but it is actually more than that. It is about growing and branching out. It is like Jollibee, Bench and all the other Filipino companies that have gone global. They expanded but they never forgot the Philippines. They are still here, ready to serve the Filipinos
College is about acceptance. It is about living in the moment so that you won’t be regretting your past or compromising your future. Living in denial is a waste of time.
I am now on the road to eliminate the denial in my system. I am trying everything so that I can finally be who I want to be. I want to grow and accept.
So, next time I see cameras flashing, and my classmates posing like superstars, I will not be suppressing tears; instead I’ll be suppressing the bile in my throat. As much as I love them, I can never deny the fact that they can never be like Marilyn Monroe and Richard Gere.
You just can never have it all.
). I never would have thought that I was capable of skipping lunch
and dinner on the same day. Because I always believed that I was born a huge humongous
glutton. I never thought that my life would be unexpected since I always always
did thrive in the prescheduled, preplanned life. It has been my ultimate
comfort zone. 
